


The Evolution of the Serpentine Autophage

by Malsang



Series: The Courteship of the Woods [4]
Category: Archive Of Our Own - Works & Related Fandoms, TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms
Genre: Autism Spectrum, Belonging, Bridging Work, Coming of Age, Companion Piece, Five Stages of Grief, Heresy, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Loss, Metafiction, Mortality, OC soul-bonded POV, Other, Poor Life Choices, Responsibility, Ring Saga Symbiosis, Short One Shot, Walking Out On Someone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 17:10:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17626268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malsang/pseuds/Malsang
Summary: Standalone Bridge between Insanity and the continuing saga of the Courteship of the Woods.Additional Credit/Recommended Music: Read 'em and weep - Meatloaf





	The Evolution of the Serpentine Autophage

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Grief](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16617650) by [cats_udonta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_udonta/pseuds/cats_udonta). 
  * Inspired by [An Alchemical Affair With Darkness](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17483153) by [Malsang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malsang/pseuds/Malsang). 
  * Inspired by [☆☆The Heart of a Villain☆☆](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386946) by [Dragoons84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragoons84/pseuds/Dragoons84). 
  * Inspired by [To My Trolls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17572214) by [Malsang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malsang/pseuds/Malsang). 



> I definitely got stuck for a while trying to accept that this is where the character-arc must go. Not allowing characters to evolve into something that truly challenges the author, is probably the definition of writer's block.
> 
> Anyway, I'm publishing it now. No going back from here. This is a voyage of discovery for me, and I hope it is not too inaccessible for those taking this journey with me.

And there he was. Gone.

There is no anger, just sadness. A bright star vanished into the darkness and the world is a poorer place.

They say that there are five stages to grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I wonder if that holds true for abandonment as well as death. Maybe it makes more sense if it is about abandonment, instead of death.

Denial. That was where we could not understand the problem. Could not relate to the emotions. Denial was when we were blindsided. Because how could someone we relied upon to be there, be gone? Not denial then. Shock. Freezing in horror at the unthinkable.

Anger. Fight or flight kicking in after the shock has worn off. The blame-game kicking in because we can't be 'just gone' like they are. I once saw a pious man trying to comfort a man who had lost his loved ones. The idiot denied him the right to revenge their deaths - said it was time for mourning not anger. That one got spattered with blood as one of his own killed himself, denied the right to blame anyone but himself. Piety. Stupidity. Could have done better. But who is to blame? Ask not whom should have died in his place, for that death was intended for all of us. It all happens so fast when crisis hits, but we are all blind-sided. None of us could see it coming early enough to prevent it. None of us. Not even the best of us. Every suicide, every self-sacrifice, every senseless death is a condemnation of each and every one of us.

Bargaining. The desperate pleas screaming in our minds for a second chance. A chance to have seen it coming and prevent it. Yet these are rarely fulfilled. We haven't learned anything yet, other than that we could have done something different, but what? What could we have done differently? What really needs to change in our attitudes to end this madness? Who is there to ask? A child's cry in the night which goes unanswered because none of us feel equal to taking responsibility for the deaths of others.

Depression. Inevitable in the certainty of powerlessness. In the conviction that we are unworthy of a second chance, because no-one answered the raw and unintelligible cry for help. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. The world is a lesser place for all of us because one of us is gone. Because one of us cannot or will not be saved, we are all doomed to the same fate.

Acceptance. I spit on acceptance. This happened to all of us, not just one of us. I refuse to live in ignorance of suffering. I refuse to allow my mind to reset to a place before all this happened, if I don't get my second chance to fix what went wrong. If there is no patron, then there ought to be. Depression is naught but lies we tell ourselves until we break our spirit. Until we are reduced to slaves, instead of free men by our own beliefs.

Five stages to continuing to exist in ignorance. Only three, looping stages to overcoming naïvety. I deny that I am powerless. I deny that I am unworthy. I believe that anything can be fixed if one has the will and the guts to change the course of history, not just cling to a log in the middle of a raging river in willful ignorance - like a child to mother's apron strings.

Three phases of the ouroboros. Three stages to the swirling madness of unrequited passion.

I am angry. I have always walked away. Me, personally. I have never allowed myself to become attached to people who did not have the answers. Too busy looking for my father to learn how to be a true friend. Too wayward in my pain to accept the brotherhood offered by those too different to myself.

Not this time. No more going it alone. No more expecting others to be more capable, experienced, powerful and responsible than me. I will be this rock. I chose to love those who cannot give me what I want, because I can give them what they need to change. It is my decision, my choice, my heart to offer freely.

I will be the patron of all, until whomsoever is mine acknowledges me as worthy. I will find the answers to these questions, because all of us are worthy of them. I will not ignore the cry of any child, even if they are elder to me.

I accept responsibility. I accept? Yes. But not as a follow-on to depression. I break-out of the loop on the other side, through greater faith. No ring may bind me to endless endurance of the same. I refuse to fall into the pit of despair, and in doing so, I must rise anew in darkness.

Therefore I am the patron of mortality. I accept responsibility for the deaths of all the slain. I accept responsibility for the ignorance of youth. I chose the absence of Death as my non-patron. I contend the absence of the Allfather and challenge His neglect, as rightful heir of Mortality. I sue for the right to claim Mairon as my brother and name him Dark-Light instead of Evil.

This I offer to the Darkness of the Void. If you will not act the merciful father of all, then I will. I reject you Eru Ilúvatar, as unworthy. It is Time for Men to inherit Middle-Earth.

Sound the pipes, beat the drums, raise the flag of Freedom. We march to War in the cause of Peace, for the sake of Life. The last shall be first and the first shall be last. Sound the advance and cast away the horn, for there will be no retreat to call-out in this, the war to end all that has gone before.

Though I seek out the darkest Shadow in the Valley of Death, I fear no evil, for I am no longer a child. I have put away such childish imagery and no longer speak as a child, but as a man full-grown. As a Master of Death.

There is no such thing as insanity. No madness, no lunacy to be defended against. What does not exist except as a nightmare in the minds of others cannot be cured because there is nothing to cure. No wrongness, but the fear of change. No killer, but the fear of the unknown.

There are scary things out there in the darkness. They fear me because I am scarier. Yet, they also love me, because I love them more than they can yet love themselves.

You think you know who I am, what is to come? You haven't even begun. From now on we won't just face our fears together and endure. We will seek them out, and we will cut out their hearts one by one and hold them aloft, still beating - immortalised and unkillable.

There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that is us. We will destroy the entire world, and in doing so, save it.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos if you recognise any of the ideas from the original sources. Especially to those who think that they ought to know where I have sourced these ideas from, to transform them into something Knew.
> 
> Yes, that was a mistype, but I like the wordplay too much to discard it. :-p


End file.
